Barnette's + Baby

It's been 6 months...

2011-09-25T18:43:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness, time seems to be going by so fast! Hannah has been home for 6 months and is 19 months old. Crazy. We are so thankful to the Giver of life for many things that have happened around here in the last few months. Hannah's surgery went well and she is fully recovered and healed. I looked in her mouth the other day and her palate looks great, like most people probably wouldn't be able to tell it was surgically repaired. The recovery process was ROUGH the first 2 weeks due to pain and discomfort, which interfered with her eating. And she loves to eat. She would put a bite in her mouth and tears would stream down her face, so she'd spit it out then repeat. It was so hard to watch. It also caused a setback with her sleeping at night and we had a few weeks of lots of waking up during the night. But that has started to get better again, thank goodness. Now that her palate is closed she is able to suck from straws and use sippy cups that have the valves in them. She is also making all sorts of sounds she couldn't before, like smacking he and buzzing her lips. She makes the s and sh sounds now, which I totally didn't expect. We are working on p and b sounds with her private speech therapist, a.k.a. mama. She likes to point out if I have a zit and tries to say "bump", which is great practice for our target sounds : )
Throughout her recovery I often thought of Psalm 139 and how fearfully and wonderfully made we are, especially when I watched Hannah basically relearn how to drink and eat in like 4 hours. And then I listened to David Platt preach on this passage in a sermon about unborn children and abortion. I was listening driving in my car as he talked about the Creator "knitting us together in our mother's womb", and being "intricately woven together by Him". As I listened I caught a glimpse in my rear view mirror of my beautiful, happy daughter dancing to yo gabba gabba and was just overwhelmed with tears and thanksgiving. Oh how I wish I could hug tight her birth mother for choosing life for this girl! And when I think about God knitting her together I love that He made her cleft lip and palate. Because to many this is an imperfection, it is her "special need", but to God it is part of a perfect plan "written in His book the days that were formed for us when yet there were none of them "(v. 16) You see, Jason and I checked the box that cleft lip and palate was a need we were open to on our application. We both knew in our hearts the daughter we adopted would have cleft lip and palate. When we saw her picture and description just a little over a year ago, her "special need" is one of the reasons we pursued adopting her and because of our backgrounds also part of why we were chosen to be her family. And so in my tiny, finite mind I imagine God forming her and as He left those muscles in her mouth and lip unjoined He knew the role her little "imperfection" would play in creating our family as He had ordained. Looking back at all the details and steps that God ordained to create our family reminds me of the sovereignty of God when sometimes my faith is weak.
One of the most awesome things that has happened in the last 6 months is that we have experienced our daughter go from moody and just tolerant of us, to trusting that we would care for her, to liking us, to truly loving us. Yes, I can tell that she loves us now and it is a wonderful feeling. I can tell by the way she looks at us, the way she hugs and kisses us, the way she lets me hold her and just rests her head on my shoulder, the way her eyes light up when daddy comes home, the way she yells "MAMA" when she can't find me. I finally got to finish the new Greys just a few minutes ago and while I don't usually relate to much on that show, the final quote from Meredith actually spoke quite loudly to me. She said "you think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart, the thing that will take your life and light it up, or destroy it. Then, you become a mother." So true!
Another praise is that I have been cancer free for 2 years! I had an MRI a month or so ago and it came back normal. Yay! And lastly, if you read my last post about some prayer requests in the adoption world, lots of families got news in the last month. Korea approved some families for EP. The Comptons have heard that their case is being worked on, the Hepinstals received their travel call, and the Bices are coming home from Korea with their daughter tonight. It will be our first airport party and we our pumped!! Welcome home Daria!
Random pictures:

Decided last week that she needed a paci. Has never wanted it before, maybe its because of her new mouth situation. But she is serious about it!

After a morning at gymboree class.

On the one year anniversary of being matched as family. She's holding her referral picture.

Roll Tide!

Daddy took Hannah to meet Yo Gabba at ToysRus

Loves bathrobes. For me and her.

Flipped the Kai Lan car. First wreck, no injuries.

Love,
Liz

Praying for Adoption

2011-07-31T23:46:00.000-05:00

I know this is very last minute but if anyone reads this and would like to join myself and many of the parents on our adoption agency's online forum in fasting and praying for adoption tomorrow please do so! Whether you can actually fast something (you know people sometimes fast just one thing like sweets or diet coke or just one meal or facebook : )) or can just say a prayer on behalf of so many families who are simply stuck in adoption limbo right now it would be awesome. This has been on my heart for quite some time as the adoption situation in S Korea has slowed to almost no approvals of children's visas in the last 3 months. So these are babies who have been matched with families but not approved to travel. The Ministry only allows so many visas per year which only increases the wait times for families and babies to be united. Thus creating a backlog each year that is growing larger and larger. It used to be a 4-6 month wait to travel. We waited 8 months and families are now waiting even longer. So instead of babies coming home these kids are now toddlers and the foster families are raising the children for much longer, which makes the separation even harder on the foster parents and the children. Plus if children used to stay in a foster family for 9 months and are now staying until 16-18 months it is preventing another baby from being in a foster home and therefore being placed in a group home setting.So my prayer is for a dramatic change in the heart of someone in the Ministry that would allow for more visas approved and for quick travel for the waiting famlies. Please pray for these families, the babies, the Korean government, and the foster families.
Not only have things slowed in Korea but it seems like other countries are as well. Would you also pray for these families: Rob and Kathy Compton whose son is waiting in a country in Africa while adoption is on hold as they examine laws, the Hepinstals who are waiting to travel for their sons (not going to mention the country for privacy), Sonia and Brandon Bice who have been waiting for Daria in S. Korea since last October, Polly and Shaun Bice who are waiting on a referral from Ethiopia- another country where things have slowed and babies are becoming older at referral and staying in orphanages for longer, Malerie and Kevin Huguley who are waiting on a referral from S Korea, and I'm sure I'm forgetting others that I know. This process is so dificult and it seems like adoption in general is getting harder and harder. One of the hard parts is feeling called by God to go down this path but then facing so many road blocks along the way. We know God is sovreign yet it can sometimes make us doubt if we are doing the right thing or why He allows the trials when we are trying to be obedient. I sometimes wonder if we are like the Israelites--their disobedience often resulted in a much more difficult path than timely obedience would have. Did our (the Church) delayed obedience to God's Word that commands us to look after those who cannot look after themselves cause this? (And maybe I just mean me, because I know I need to repent for my delayed response to these commands) Is it the natural consequence for our sin and complacency? Did it give the enemy more time to create strong foot hold's in these countries? I don't know, but I do know that it increases our dependency on God becuase He is the only one who has power over these governments. And that is why I believe prayer is so important in these situations because it is the only power we have. I believe He is pleased when we sacrifice, pray, and seek things that we definitely know are His will: to place the lonely in families. So please pray, whether its a little or alot it will add to the petitons that will be sent up tomorrow (August 1st) on behalf of these children and families. Thank you for reading and praying! I hope this makes sense as I don't have time to proof and edit because I keep waking Hannah up with my typing and this is what an angry Korean princess looks like:

Seriously, would you want to mess with her?
Thankfully most of the time she looks like this:

Love,
Liz

Summer Girl

2011-07-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

We are having such a fun summer around here! Hannah is growing and becoming such a toddler. It is amazing how much she has changed from this pic taken our first weekend home:

to this walking, running, talking, singing, sassy 17 month old:

Yep little miss started walking the night before I turned 30 and hasn't slowed down since! She loves the water and we have gone to a few splash parks that just bring her pure joy.

My mom and I took her to one in Gardendale this morning that was really cool (and she has been asleep for over 2 hours now which is always a good thing!)
We spend a lot of time playing in the water in the driveway. She's surveying the situation:

learning to drink out of the hose:

Hannah attached to me more so at first, likely because I'm staying home with her and cosleeping with her, etc. But in the last month or so she has had a surge in Daddy attachment and loves her some Daddy. She cries when he leaves, sometimes needs him to come lay down at nighttime, and runs to him to hug him all day long. I thought at first I might be jealous but the look on her face when she hears Daddy come in the door just makes me love them both more. Last week I left them home alone together for the first time and when I came back I found them sitting on the couch watching Yo Gabba Gabba:

Notice that Hannah is wearing a pair of underwear and my nike running shorts around her like a sash. She also had green and yellow highlighter marker all over her. And I have no idea why Jason has an oven mitt on his leg. So it looks like they had a good time : ) People ask me a lot how she is doing with English.
Hannah is trying to say SO MANY words. Because of her cleft palate she cannot build up the pressure in her mouth to make most consonants and the air /sound comes out of her nose. Therefore many of the things she says are made up of the sounds m,n,g,k, and h. I can understand them from being around her and knowing the context. So the good thing is her language is doing great! Her speech sound formation will hopefully be improved once her palate is repaired and the muscles begin to function. She understands lots and lots and follows many simple directions. Here are some of the words she is saying followed by what it actually sounds like when she says it: "night,night" (ni-ni), "daddy" (aaa-eee), "apple" (a-ul), "apple juice" (a-ul with a sneezing like sound afterwards), "pizza" (ee-na), "home", "more" (muh), "uhoh", "oh no", "eye" (with the long north alabma /i/ sound that she's picking up from her mama, haha), "nose" (no), "hannah" (anah), "love you" (uh oo), "bye" (eye), "poo poo" (moo moo), "hey", and "hi". Those are the main ones I can understand. She tries to repeat lots of things too but those are the words she will say on her own. She is also still using her baby signs. I never knew one could give such feeling and attitude while baby signing but that's happening on a daily basis. For instance, if I have not given her more of her snack fast enough she bangs her little fists together (the sign for more) with such force or will sling her arms back and forth for all done if she's ready to get up from her high chair, or if any kind of food is mentioned she gives the "eat" sign with major enthusiasm like she's going to jam her finger down her throat. She knows her body parts. Her uncle Michael taught her how to wink and now she winks at me while I change her diaper which cracks me up. So that is a little summary of what HB's doing. She has become quite the little cuddle bug. When she first came home she definitely had boundaries for us getting too close to her face or sitting in our laps for no reason. Then she slowly started allowing kisses that first month or two. Then she began to give kisses and hugs and now it is so awesome to see her actively seeking out affection and closeness from us. She will grab me around the neck to pull my face to where are noses are touching when we lay down at night or just come and sit in my lap to cuddle and give me and her daddy kisses. It almost makes me cry every time she does it. She still does not sleep through the night, which has been tough, but we are making baby step improvements and focusing on the small successes. I think this has to be one of the greatest joys as an adoptive parent, to see your child heal and trust and enjoy those milestones and successes that would not otherwise be celebrated. We are getting close to her palate repair surgery, August 3rd. Please pray for Hannah, that she has a quick recovery and successful repair, and that it does not hurt her trust and bond with us. Please pray for me as well as I try to not be anxious and trust God with her surgery, just as I had been able to do when I thought she would have it in Korea. So there's a little summary on our little summer girl, and here's some more pics just because she's so cute:

Petting a goat at the zoo.

Picking peaches with Daddy on our peach trees!

Sleepy morning face

Scaring the crap out of me because she had to be so close to rails. Jason checked them all to make sure they weren't loose.

Looking for a late night snack after Daddy's work party.

First ponytail!!

Happy, smiley girl!

So much to say...

2011-05-17T12:55:00.000-05:00

so little time! I know it has been awhile since I posted and I need to do better because I want Hannah to be able to look back on this one day as a journal of her milestones and adjustment. I actually wrote half of an update at our one month home mark but never finished it. When I went back and read what I wrote it was cool to see how things have gotten better in the weeks since then. It seems like we have all been able to breathe again in the last few weeks and have turned a corner for the better. The first 4-5 weeks were pretty tough as Hannah not only was grieving and trying to adjust but also teething 3 giant molars (still waiting on # 4), had a terrible ear infection (she is getting tubes on monday) and a fever virus. Not to mention all the extra stressful doctors appointments that seemed to never go as planned, like the 20 minutes of drawing blood from both of her little arms and the attempt to catheterize her to get a urine sample. She is such a tough little girl though and very strong (just ask the 3 nurses that tried to hold her down to draw blood). Those doctors' appointments did result in trips to Yogurt Mountain and so she quickly recovered from the trauma.

The most amazing thing that I can't get over is how much personality little miss has! I spent 8 months staring at pictures of her and trying to imagine her personality. We now know that Hannah tends to do a Victoria Beckham impression when she knows she is being photographed and gives a look like "why are you taking my picture?". So from the pictures I had I often wondered if she would be shy or timid, maybe soft spoken and unsure of herself and the world. HA! I never could have imagined the personality in her! She is so funny, animated, feisty, loud, silly, and assertive (our social worker came up with this word at our 1 month placement visit when I asked him of a positive way to say "a little bossy : )" ) Jason and I are so in love with her. In the last 2 weeks she has started being very affectionate and she gives the best hugs. I love the way she hugs me when she lays on me to take a nap, she squeezes so hard and grunts like she's giving it her all. I love her facial expressions and how she tries to imitate every sound we make (a speech therapists' dream). She says a few words that we can understand like "nak" for "snack" (girl loves to eat and has gone from being fed mostly formula with little oral control of food to chomping on crackers and chicken nuggets!), "muh-eh" when she yells at our dog mullet, "home", "hot", and "eye" for ice. She also baby signs "more", "eat", "all done", and "pretty". She is one smart little girl! She entertains me all day and loves being the center of attention. When we lay down to sleep she knows she can make silly noises and babble in funny voices to make me laugh.She fake sneezes so we will "bless her" and she still "bows" her head to greet people like they do in Korea. Both of which are the cutest things ever. I love her gorgeous smile. And her hands are so sweet and soft, I stared at those hands in her referral pictures wondering how they would feel and I still get teary when I realize I am actually holding them now. She does not like to be told "no" (no one does really) and she has definitely started to test me when I tell her no. Daytime is great but nighttime is still hard. Sleep seems to be our biggest struggle. She doesn't scream and cry but either fights sleep or just can't get to sleep. Then she wakes at least

twice during the night and needs a bottle, loved on, or carried in the carrier to get back to sleep. At least she is not screaming for 30 minutes to an hour every time I try to get her back to sleep or put her down. That was a very frustrating time for this mama during which I learned that as much as I loved her I had to pray for the Holy Spirit to take over so that I could act "loving" at 230 in the morning when I was frustrated and nothing seemed to work to soothe her. So while I am not able to spend much time studying the Bible right now He is still using this season to teach me reliance on Him and a thing or two about what it really looks like to love like Christ loves. Anyways... that's us...come visit and get a taste of little miss personality for yourself! And now what you really want to see:

Pretty girl giving her Posh face for the camera.

She walks holding our hands and furniture but has only taken a few steps on her own.

One of her many silly faces!

Nighttime meltdown.

Hiding from us! She has gotten much more adventurous and will venture into the next room on her own instead of being stuck to my hip. This is a good sign she is more comfortable and feeling secure. (I don't know why these are not rotated right)

Loves to swim!

Lunch with Zoey! She was united with her family one day before we got Hannah. They were born only a few days apart, both lived in Seoul, and now both live in Alabama.

We finally got a picture that captures Hannah's personality and the little ball of energy that she is!

Oh, one more thing, Hannah is scheduled to have her palate repaired on August 3rd. Please pray that she is ready and not traumatized by the process and for a smooth recovery!

Love,

Liz

2 Weeks Together

2011-04-06T22:16:00.001-05:00

We have had Hannah for 2 weeks now and there are moments when I am still in awe that I get to be her mother and moments that feel like we've always been together. I am definitely feeling "motherly" and I have done all those disgusting things I have seen mothers do but never thought I would. Like tasting baby food, examining poop, being spit up on right in the face, wiping drool, food, and snot with my bare hands, the list goes on and on. I have always wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I could play "mommy" and "family" for hours and hours. I had an inside family of dolls and an outside family of invisible children (6) and between different trees were the rooms in my "house". I always knew my mom loved being a mother, even though we got in trouble and I'm sure we were frustrating to deal with at times (especially high school). And so I think she made being a mother look fun which is why I thought it was the funnest thing to play. I think about that when Hannah and I are playing together or when I'm trying to get her to nap and she is fighting it. Because there are times when I am frustrated and I feel like I can't make her happy and I am failing her but I pray that I can show that I love being her mother. And I really do. We were prepared during some of our adoption education that we may not feel an instant bond or that we may feel like we are babysitting and that if we did it was normal. And if we had felt like that it would have been okay. But Jason and I have talked about how we feel like she is ours and we feel just overwhelming love for her and did almost immediately. And even when I am exhausted at night and I haven't been able to sit her down for a second (not even to shower or pee), I look over at her and miss her being awake and stuck to my hip. Just to be clear though, this is the HARDEST thing I have ever done and I have cried plenty of tears with Hannah! I don't want to make it sound like magic and fairy dust. I have never been so tired at the end of the day and never felt so rewarded yet so incompetent. This week has been an improvement from last week. Hannah is much happier and more relaxed with us. The moodiness has subsided a great deal and she is definitely attaching to us. We have had to move upstairs into her room at night because she was moving all over the bed and she actually climbed over me and fell off a few nights ago. So we have her on her crib mattress in the floor and a full size mattress pushed against it for us. It seems to be a much better (safer) sleeping situation. Trial and error I guess! She is definitely teaching me to let go of my plans and expectations for each day. The day goes so much smoother when I just relax and follow her lead for things like what time to take a nap or if she finishes her bottle. So that is an update on us! I am also posting a youtube video of our journey to Hannah. Our sweet friend Rob Compton made this for us and we will never be able to thank him enough. He had this done before my suitcases were even unpacked. The pictures of Hannah in the first half are her with her wonderful foster family. You can tell how much they loved and cared for her. They gave us 2 cds full of pictures and they also gave us the "hanbok" ,which is the traditional Korean dress, that Hannah was wearing on her first birthday in the pictures. It is such a treasure to be able to show her pictures and people from her life before she was with us. There is also the video of our first meeting with Hannah. Normally you sit in a room and wait until the social worker brings in the foster family and child (which would have been like 30 minutes of pure anxiety). But when we got out of our cab there was Hannah and her foster mother on the front steps of the agency and her foster father was videoing them waiting to meet us! I was completely taken off guard and luckily Jason had sense enough to start videoing. The unexpected meeting took all the nerves away though and it was a sweet gift from the Lord. I will never forget how she stuck her little pointer finger out and touched mine. I hope you enjoy the video. Oh...you will also notice that my hair is a different color in the first half and kind of scary looking. Those were the dark days of waiting with no end in sight and apparently my hair reflected my mood.
Here it is:

I hope to post about our plane ride soon and some new pics of us at home.

Love, Liz

Pictures...

2011-04-06T14:58:00.001-05:00

Daddy and Hannah Bae

Getting ready for my first outing in Seoul. We were about to walk out the door when it hit me that I had to like pack a diaper bag and carry it.

She loved riding in the carrier and looking at everyone.

She does these pouty lips a lot and it melts my heart!

Family of 3 out and about!

She fell asleep on the walk back to the hotel and we were so scared to wake her up so we just left her in the carrier.

First attempt at baby food...we were both a mess.

The baby food mess lead to her first bath. She loves baths!

All packed up and ready to go to the airport.

On the way to the airport. It was emotional to think of all she was leaving behind but also exciting to think of what was ahead (well not the plane ride, but what was after that).

All smiles and play while waiting to board the plane. Unfortunately this mood didn't last!

Homecoming party got moved to Atlanta because of our delayed flight.

Playing in her room on the first night home.

At Home and Adjusting

2011-03-27T15:41:00.000-06:00

Thank you everyone for your prayers and your comments on the last post! I love reading them and Hannah will get to read them someday too. I'm sorry I haven't updated the blog since we left. I've been reading adoption blogs for awhile now and I'm always wondering why once the family gets their baby they don't post. But oh do I totally get it now! Having this little person depend on you really doesn't leave much free time.We arrived home around 4 am on Friday morning (after a long and not as we planned flight and homecoming...but I will save the plane ride story for the next post). Hannah Bae has been exploring her new home and has met her granparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and dogs. She also has her days and nights completely turned around. On Friday night she slept from 9-12, then was up until 4, back to sleep until 5 and then finally back down at 9 Sat morning. Jason and I were exhausted and thought she would sleep for maybe an hour so we laid down with her but wanted to keep her up most of the day. Apparently our days and nights are mixed up just as bad because when we woke up it was 3:45 yesterday afternoon. That was a terrible feeling! Since we only had 3-4 hours of sunshine left we decided to get out and run some errands and try to keep her up. We got her down to sleep at around 1 am and thought we were really successful only to be proven wrong at 3:30 when little miss woke back up. And it was all down hill from there. The night before when whe was up she just wanted to play, and we really had a lot of fun and some sweet bonding time. Last night was different. She wasn't only mixed up on her times but she was also grieving. She was really hard to comfort, refused a bottle, cried for her "omma" (which means mama in Korean, what she called her foster mother), she would want me and then push me away screaming. But from what we learned about attachment this is often how it goes...two steps forward and then one step back. It is also not something that takes place and is "all finished" in a few weeks. It can take months to years to develop the secure attachment that children have to the parents who raised them from birth.

I did not know anything about attachment parenting with adopted children before we started this process but I'm so glad we read and took classes to prepare ourselves. If you are not familiar with attachment parenting, here is a little overview of some of the strategies we will be using:

1. keeping her world small- meaning we won't be throwing any welcome parties or running around nonstop for awhile so that she learns her home and gets into a routine. It also keeps from overwhelming her with lots and lots of new people at one time. This doesn't mean "no visitors" or that we won't go anywhere but we are just going to follow her cues.

2. build trust by meeting her needs- some people will think we are spoiling her, but by meeting her needs quickly she learns to trust that we are going to care for her like her foster parents did. If you think about it this is how newborns learn who their parents are and form bonds early as they are fed, changed, and held. It is also important that Jason and I are the only people who meet those needs of changing, feeding, bathing, and putting to bed for at least 6 months or so.

3. games and activites that promote eye contact and affection

4. co-sleeping- we are trying this for now and it went well in korea (slept from 9-8 both nights), we'll see how she does once her schedule is more normal. For some babies they sleep better alone because the parents' movement doesn't wake them up, so we'll just wait and see. Honestly though I can't imagine putting her upstairs in her crib...it seems so far away! (Ok Nana and Mawmaw, yall were right, I just didn't get it until I held this sweet baby in my arms)

So that is just a few examples I wanted to explain and I know it may still seem crazy or like we are spoiling her. I probably thought the same thing before we started this process. But we didn't come up with this on our own, it is tried and tested by professionals and other adopted families. I feel like I may come across as being negative to some people because I've heard people say "oh she'll be fine, she's so blessed to have yall as parents, she'll be grateful she's got yall or her new home, my so-n-so knows someone who's adopted and they didn't have any of those problems etc", when I've talked about the grieving. And yes, one day she will be fine, but the grieving and the attatching is part of the process and part of her story. She had been with the same parents for 10 months. And now they are quickly out of her life and she is in a place that smells and looks strange and where she can't understand a word anyone says. And while we were preparing and anticipating and so excited to bring her home, she was just living her little baby life, well fed and cared for, unable to comprehend that those were only her parents temporarily. It makes me sad to think about but at the same time I know that she will heal. And I guess that is what I want people to understand, that yes it is sad and hard but she will get through it so we don't have to be in denial or make it seem shiny and magical. Okay, sorry for the attachment 101 course. I just think that alot of this stuff takes place behind the scenes and publicly people don't get to see what families go through once a child gets home. Oh and those comments people said that I mentioned earliar are not from close friends or family and I know those people just don't "get" the process, so don't be paranoid to ask me questions are share your comments with me : ) And she really is doing well...we get happy, playful, sweet, silly girl 75% of the time.

And now the good stuff.....

Ok...so for some reason my pictures won't show up on this post so I'm going to try and do a new post with just the pics.

A Whole New World

2011-03-22T20:42:00.000-06:00

Well our lives are alot different than they were a little over 24 hours ago! Hannah is taking a nap so I have one hour to email, shower, and update this blog. Yesterday the pick up went great! Her foster family was awesome and had so much stuff to send with her and a professional photograph book of her. Her foster mom and I had a quick bond and hugged and cried a ton. She was so well taken care of! She was her foster mom's 25th foster child. She hasn't had any ear infections or major colds and we are so thankful for that! She was very happy and playful for the first five hours we had her and then she realized that she was stuck with us and the grieving began. It is off and on and she will let us hold and comfort her. There are moments of smiles and laughter and even a few kisses. She is bonding to both of us pretty well but she won't let me out of her sight. She has been eating pretty good and taking naps. She cried herself to sleep last night around 9 and only really woke up once until she got up this morning at 8. I did not get much sleep because she slept on top of me pretty much all night and is a wild woman in her sleep. She is a super drooler so I have stripped her down and she is wearing a bib and a diaper (Cullman county style) most of the time. This morning she has been so sad. It is so hard to watch her cry big real tears and yell for her "omma". But we know this is part of the attachment process and we are praying her little heart will heal and she will learn to trust us. Please keep us in your prayers, specifically that we can comfort her when she needs it and that she will continue to sleep well. Thank you all! And now what you really came here for:

Yes, that is a sweaty armpit stain. Motherhood ain't glamorous!

Love you all! We'll try to post again before we leave tomorrow.
Liz

Today is Family Day!

2011-03-21T16:21:00.000-06:00

We have been up for quite a while this morning. I thought I knew what nervousness felt like, but I have never been this nervous. Not for public speaking, or major surgery, or test results. And nervous is not the only emotion going on this morning. There's also excitement and happiness that this day is finally here. I am scared that she will reject me and afraid I won't be a good parent. I feel unprepared, unworthy, and undeserving to be a mother. I am sad for Hannah to leave her country and culture. My heart is heavy that Jason's sweet mama is not here on this earth to share in Hannah's homecoming (but I know she is enjoying this day that her son becomes a daddy from the best view possible). Yet through all the chaos of my emotions I have such a peace and confidence because I know with all my being that this place, this day, this daughter, has been planned for us. We were called to this. And we do not have to depend on our flesh and our feelings because we have been promised a Helper. So today I will rest in the power of the Holy Spirit. It will still be hard and I will still be exhausted. But all of these insecurities and fear pale in comparison to the power of the Spirit in us. These are the moments when God gets all the glory cause we sure can't get through it in our mess of weaknesses. And so here we go. Deep breath. It's almost time!
Stay tuned for pictures of our family of three sometime later today!
We love you all and our so thankful for all you love and prayers.
Liz
"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness". Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Day 2 from Seoul

2011-03-20T20:27:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was cold and rainy when we took our tour of the city, but we still had a great time. Who would have thought camo Under Armour gloves would have been such an asset and fan favorite. Our translators were 2 young adults that took us around. It was Tec's first time to ever volunteer to give "whitey" a tour (and maybe his last). Somehow church came up (he brought it up randomly) and when I asked he told me he wasn't a believer in God. Well, while he was stuck with me under an umbrella for the rest of the day, he heard about Him. Pray for Tec. We hear that South Korea is a thriving christian country, but it's probably only 20% in reality (that's just my guess). Anyway, we are getting closer and closer to the big day. Less than 24 hours now and it's getting more real. We've gotten to meet some other families from the US that are also adopting and they are such great people. Here are a few photos of our day yesterday. Thanks to everyone for all of the support and prayers you have poured over us. It truly works!

We move to a new hotel yesterday. Here is a a pic of part of the room. It is like an apartment.

Love,
Jason

Pics from travel and Day 1 in Seoul

2011-03-19T05:23:00.000-06:00

Our send off crew at Zoes before our flight.

Getting prayed up in the parking lot at the Summit

Our plane. Korean Air is a great airline. But wow they were cranking out the heat. I woke up sweating.

Early in the flight.

Looong flight!

Sometime after a sweaty 5 hours of sleep. Lookin pretty rough.

Dinner...An authentic Korean dish of BiBimBap. It was good even though it was in the middle of the night. They served us food 3 times, which seemed strange because it was when we should be sleeping.

5am Saturday in Seoul and we finally made it!

We got to our hotel around 7am and said we would stay up but as soon as we saw the bed we crashed for a couple of hours. Then we got up and explored a little.

Bridge over the Han river. Seoul is huge...11 million people.

Thank you all for your prayers! We have felt pretty good today given the jet lag. It is 8 pm now and we just got back from dinner and are going to bed. I have to share a big praise though. This evening I was going to upload these pics and realized I couldn't find our camera (I don't really want to admit this because our camera was an awesome gift from Mawmaw Carol and PawPaw Ed). We figured I left it on the shuttle bus, so we called the concierge and they said they would check. And this is not just like a hotel shuttle bus, its a shuttle that runs from 2 hotels and a casino to 4 stops in this district of Seoul. Oh I was going to be so sad if I had lost it. I prayed and prayed and I know that will sound silly to some people to pray for a camera but I did. And when that sweet lady knocked on our hotel room door holding that camera I hugged the heck out of her and yelled "praise the Lord!", I'm sure she thought I was nuts. So thank you to everyone praying that the Lord protects us from my own stupidity! Love you all!

Liz

We Got It!

2011-03-15T20:28:00.001-06:00

Yep! Travel Call!!!!!
The call came Monday around 1150am to mine and Jason's voicemails. He was on a plane for New Orleans and I was working at the hospital. Just as I was about to scope a patient for a swallowing test, my phone rang and I saw the number for Holt. I knew exactly what it was but I couldn't just run out on my patient. So I composed myself, did the test, then stepped out of the patient's room. I found a little room attached to another patient's room that had a window so I would have cell service, checked my voicemail to hear "I have some good news I wanted to share with your family", and called our agency back. Jason landed soon after and so I didn't have to wait too long to tell him the news.
Earlier that morning I had decided I was going to call the Visa hotline in D.C. because they can tell you if your child had their Visa issued or not. That was the final piece of information we needed and a couple of other families with our agency had theirs on Friday. I felt like if I knew when that was, I would be able to know if we would get the travel call or have to wait until later in the week. Well, I couldn't find the sheet of paper I needed that had her case number on it. Imagine that, I lost something. I called to see if they could look it up by our names but Sue at the Visa office could not understand why I didn't have the paper with the case number on it. I'm pretty sure she thinks I will be a terrible mother : ) So I began running around to look for it and it was getting way past the time I needed to leave for work. And then a verse popped into my head, "Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3: 5-6. So I thought, Ok Lord, I don't have to know every detail, it will happen when it happens. A few months ago we were so disappointed to get the news that there would be no way we would have Hannah home before April and she would have her surgery there. I posted about it and said that if she came home earlier we would give all the credit to God who has orchestrated every detail of this process (and if she didn't we would also give God the glory for carrying us throughout the wait). And so today I am so thrilled to give Him the glory for this news. He places the solitary in families and He has blessed us by placing Hannah in our family! We leave on Thursday night, arrive in South Korea on Saturday, pick up Hannah on Tuesday, and then fly back home on the next Thursday. We actually leave Seoul next Thursday night at 730 pm and arrive in Birmingham at 930pm on Thursday night because of crossing the International Date Line. We plan to update the blog with pictures and news while we are there. Please remember us in prayer and especially Hannah, as she is spending her last few days in the country of her birth and with the only parents she has known. Thank y'all for taking this journey with us!
Love,
Liz

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2011-03-11T10:58:00.001-06:00

"For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption, into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now." Romans 8:19-22
Whenever I hear about natural disasters I think of these verses and imagine how all of His creation longs for His return and an end to the destruction and devastation of sin on this fallen world. The images from Japan that we woke up to this morning are heartbreaking. I honestly didn't realize how close South Korea is to Japan so we looked on a map this morning and were panicked until we were able to learn that Korea does not seem to be affected. And so selfishly I have peace because my daughter is safe; however hundreds of daughters and sons of others have lost their lives in Japan.
It is still hard to believe that I get to call someone my "daughter" and the reality of that is growing as we get so close to bringing Hannah home. God has used multiple sermons I've listened to, songs, and things I've read this past week to really remind me that I am His daughter. He didn't just save us from sin (which was generous enough in itself) but he adopted us as His children and we are coheirs with His true son Christ. One sermon I watched was about the responsibility of men, and the pastor talked about how angry God gets when men mistreat or abuse one of His daughters. The way pastor Mark Driscoll said it made it so real to me. Not only do I have an earthly father that is protective of me but The Father has that same affection for His daughters. And I think it is such awesome timing that as God is reminding me of how I am his cherished daughter, I will soon have an even greater understanding of how a parent loves and cherishes their children. And speaking of how soon that will be....
we think we are really close to getting our travel call. Hannah had her Visa Physical on March 3rd. After the physical we had to sign a waiver stating we knew she had cleft palate. We signed it and it got to Korea on Wednesday. We have been corresponding with our agency via emails but now there will be no more emails as the next thing to happen should be that long awaited phone call! We think we will get the call next week sometime. Hannah's bags are packed (which is a miracle in itself considering what a slacker I usually am):

Our house has stuff like this in it:

And her room is all ready:

And I have permanent butterflies in my stomach! My next post will hopefully be titled TC!!!
Love,
Liz

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Happy Birthday to our little

2011-02-21T19:13:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Hannah turned one and we celebrated at a local Korean restaurant (pictures at bottom). I was worried that I would be really down that we did not have her with us on her first birthday because when we were matched back in August we really thought we would have her by now. But what actually ended up being on my mind and heart all day was Hannah's birth mother. I felt strangely connected to her in the sense that neither of us were with our daughter on her birthday. I tried to imagine what she would be thinking about, likely many of the same things I was thinking about. Like is she happy?...What does she look like?...How did she celebrate? In Korea they celebrate the first birthday or what they call "Tol" with a party. The baby dresses in the traditional Korean dress of Hanbok and picks out items set on a table that are supposed to predict her future. One item represents wealth, one a warrior, one a long life, etc. So I'm sure her birth mother pondered what item she chose. I prayed all day for her and asked God to give her peace about the decision she made. We tend to focus on all that the adoptive parents have to gain through adoption but there is so much loss involved for the child and the birth mother. Adoption is a beautiful story of redemption and has so many parallels to our adoption through Christ. My prayer is that Hannah's birth mother knows redemption and true healing from the one true Healer. I want her to know that Hannah is loved and safe and that our family will always honor and pray for her, hopefully teaching Hannah to do the same.

Here's the update on the process:

Our EP was approved on February 11! Now we are waiting on her Visa Physical to be scheduled, then she will make an appearance at the embassy, and go for her Visa Interview (where they actually give the Visa). So things are moving right along. Jason and I frequently look at one another and say "they are going to hand us a one year old in a foreign country and then we are going to fly 16 hours with her". Her nursery is almost finished and I will post pics of that soon. We also got wonderful news that they are going to not do her surgery there so not to delay her travel. We found that out the Monday after my last blog post, right after I had surrendered the situation to God and had total peace with her having surgery in Korea. Funny how that works huh?

The birthday cake was a king cake shipped from Lousisiana. I decorated it myself, I'm so domestic. Thank goodness my mother is taking cake decorating classes.

Hopefully soon I will be posting about a travel call!! We're thinking mid march!!

love,

liz

EP!!!!!!

2011-01-24T14:08:00.001-06:00

Those letters do not mean much to most people but we have been waiting to hear them for months! They stand for Emigration Permit and we have been submitted for approval as of January 19, 2011. This is the major step in the Korean side of the paperwork and once it is approved we are getting close to travel. All of our USA paperwork is done and so this is what we have been waiting on!! I got the email this morning from our agency and let out a scream that sent my dogs running upstairs to check on me. It has been taking around 2 weeks for approval and after its approved she will be scheduled for her Visa Physical, Embassy Appearance (gets photo for passport), and then Visa Interview. There are lots of babies waiting to come home so I'm not sure how long all that will take. They are estimating 4-6 weeks from EP approval to travel call.
I am hoping they will tell us when Hannah is going to have her palate repair surgery. It may be in February since they want to do it when she is 12 months old. I have such peace with the fact that she will have surgery in Korea and be with her foster mother for that. It forces me to trust God completely to care for her. He has been reminding me lately that ultimately she is His child and He has just blessed me to be able to love and raise her on this earth. That is such an awesome responsibility and I pray that we will raise her to also trust in the Lord. I am such a worrier and I am really thankful for what God is teaching me during this wait. I hope that one day when Hannah and all the other children God chooses to bless us with are teenagers or in college that I will be able to look back on this time and be reminded that they are not mine but His. When they have surgery or want to go to Uganda on a mission trip or go away to college or learn to drive, I will know that I can trust their Heavenly Father, because they belong to Him and He is faithful.
Our pastor talked about prayer yesterday and we read in Matthew 6, where Jesus teaches the disciples to pray. Before He gives them the Lord's prayer he tells them the things not to do first. One of those is to not heap up empty phrases because your Father knows what you need before you pray them. Heaping up empty words and phrases is different than persistence in prayer. Persistent prayer is encouraged in various scriptures (in James 5 and Luke 18). I believe "heaping up empty phrases" are those memorized prayers that we say over and over and do not actually require our heart to communicate with God. This has me thinking about children's prayers. Lots of families teach their children the "God is good, God is great" prayer or similar ones for blessing the meal. I learned that one growing up. I think the intention of that is good and it creates a habit of prayer before meals, however, I also feel like it does not prepare children to learn to pray out loud from their heart. I think we are underestimating our children's abilities to be able to come up with what they want to say to the Lord. I used to be very anxious about praying in front of others and the only thing that has fixed that is to just do it. The more you pray out loud the easier it gets. So why not let kids start practicing this as early as possible?
Another aspect of "heaping up words in prayer" is something I have to work to keep myself from doing when I am worrying about something. I will often just keep praying about it a thousand times just as a coping mechanism to get the worry out of my head. But as the verse says, the Father knows what I need before I even ask. And by continuing to repeat whatever it is, it becomes empty, untrusting, and more self-centered than God focused. BUT I also think that we should present our petitions to the Lord....it seems like a contradiction but it really comes down to the state of your heart, and that's between you and the Holy Spirit. The reason I got on this prayer tangent is that as our pastor talked about the "Father knowing what we need before we ask", it convicted me of how God knows the timing of this adoption. He knows how bad I want her here. He knows what is best for her. He had this thing planned out since the beginning of time. I was worried about having cancer a year ago and He knew then how that trial would pale in comparison to the blessing of our daughter. Do you really believe that? That God has timed out your life, ordained everything for His glory? That when He wrote certain scriptures He was thinking of each individual person that would grow closer to Him or be changed when they were read. Our Sovereign God knew that I would hear that message, be convicted, and then be blessed with what I have been asking for. I mean that will blow your mind if you really think about it, it's so huge that it is hard to believe. So here I've been asking over and over for us to get EP but yesterday He told me to just trust that He knew before I even asked. So I didn't ask. But He knew. Our pastor encouraged us to sometimes pray without asking for anything, which sounds easy enough but is really not. Think about how much of our prayers are asking for things, even if they are good things. Like praying for God to break your heart for what breaks His or praying for more discipline. Those are still asking prayers. If you pray without asking you are simply spending time with God, praising Him, being in His presence, thanking Him. The point was not that we should NEVER ask but think of how pleasing it must be to God for His children to just spend time with Him every now and then. To focus on Him and not ourselves, to show Him that we trust that He knows what we need even if we don't tell Him that day. Ok--thanks for reading....if you still are after all that rambling. And here is the newest picture of our little one with the care package we sent her for Christmas:

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A New Year..

2011-01-10T18:00:00.000-06:00

and so cool to know that this is the year we will become a family of three. Our agency has continued to adamantly tell us that we will not get Hannah until between April and June. And while some days I want to just stay in bed until she gets here, I also have peace that God is sovereign and loving and this is His timing. He calls me to get out of bed and serve Him (easier some days than others). I also still have faith that if God so ordains it she could come home earlier because His control is greater than the Korean Ministry of Adoption. If she does come sooner than April we will truly know that it is a miracle and give God the glory.

We have received all of our approvals from the United States Immigration Dept and Homeland Security. So now our paperwork is at the US Embassy in Seoul, Korea. We are now waiting on EP, which is issued by the Korean government. I think I've explained this before but Korea has a quota for the number of babies that can be adopted internationally each year. These are divided up among the agencies and our agency reached quota in November and the last group of people who got their approval had gotten matched with their child in July. We are considered an early October match because that is when our acceptance paperwork got to Korea. I have been so excited for the new year because that means that the quota resets and things start moving again. This last week the first group of families were submitted for EP approval. The hard thing is that we don't know any of the actual numbers, like how many get submitted each time or how many people are in front of us. But at least things are moving! Once we are submitted it takes around a month for approval. Then we know its getting close and there are only a few things left, which are her physical for her visa and her appearance at the US embassy. After that we will get THE CALL!

In the meantime, Hannah will have the surgery to repair her palate sometime in February (we think). Hopefully they will tell us beforehand so we can be praying it up. I hate to think of her having surgery and not getting to be there but she will be with the only family she knows and they will be able to provide comfort for her in her familiar environment. If she were to have her surgery here and had not been home and attached to us yet it would be much scarier and harder on her. So I am reminded that this is not about me and my needs but what will be best for her. We haven't received any new pictures but did get a nice progress report that gave more details about her development, milestones, and schedule. She is developing right on track in all areas and we are so thankful for that. She has 4 teeth, eats rice cereal and apples and bananas, walks holding furniture, has a strange sleeping schedule (apparently many Korean babies sleep and rise when their mothers do so for her she sleeps from 7-9 pm then its bedtime at 12am and up at 4 am ...we will have to work on that). She also seems to have developed a good attachment to her foster mother and father. There is no way to thank them enough for the wonderful care and love they are providing her. I think of how hard it will be on her to leave them. Nothing that I am feeling now will compare to the grief she will experience as she is taken from them and everything familiar to her. Oh so many emotions are evoked throughout this process: excitement for all that is to come, anticipation to finally have her home, sadness for all that she will lose and grieve for, and fear of being handed a one year old in a foreign country and then flying 16 hours home with her! Here's to an awesome new year!

Pictures from Christmas:

Hannah's presents from all her grandparents

White Christmas in Hanceville... me and Jasonmy brothers and I...

Love,

Liz

A friend for Hannah!

2010-11-24T15:13:00.000-06:00

I know that my last post was a real downer so I wanted to share some good news that we are very excited about. God has truly amazed me with these events and continues to show his sovereignty, love, and faithfulness.
A few months ago Jason and I began attending a new church that I have mentioned before, Christ City Church. It is a church plant in Ensley and we went on the very first Sunday morning service they had and have really felt God confirming our decision to continue there. One of the ways He did this was on the 1st Sunday in the bulletin there was an announcement for an adoption fellowship dinner. Meeting other adoptive families was a major prayer request of ours and we immediately decided we had to go! The next Sunday we sat behind this cute couple, Polly and Shawn, and after meeting them realized that they were the couple organizing the adoption fellowship at their house. They are in process to adopt from Ethiopia and are very passionate about orphan and adoption ministry. (They also look like they could be country music stars and have 7 children. A truly beautiful family inside and out.) So we went to the fellowship and didn't know anyone there of course but met lots of awesome families who were adopting or fostering. As we were walking out the door to leave we met Sonia (mother of 4 boys but looks like a teenager. How do all these women with so many kids look so young?) and told her about Hannah and Korean adoption. She was ready to start the process but her husband was not quite there yet (this seems to be a trend among adoptive couples... an eager wife and reluctant husband, they always come around with prayer though!). We talked for 5 minutes or so, exchanged email addresses, and told them we would be praying for them. Now I know that many times you say you will pray for someone and forget, but I have really been working on that since having cancer because I realize how valuable those prayers truly are. And so I really did pray for this couple every so often when I thought of them. Come to find out her husband is the brother of Shaun, who hosted the adoption fellowship and go to Christ City. A month or so later Polly tells us that Sonia and her husband have decided to try to adopt from Korea from our same agency. Then a few weeks later we learn that our agency has told them that they should consider China instead because there are not many young Korean girls with minor needs available for adoption. So I'm thinking they have decided to go with China. In the meantime I still check the photolistings of waiting children and a new baby girl was posted about 3 weeks ago. She stuck out to me because she had cleft lip and palate and I showed her to Jason and we talked about how cute she was. We also thought it was weird that another cleft lip/palate baby girl from Korea was on the photolisting because for some reason there are not usually many children with that specific need from Korea. The next Sunday at church I see Polly, Sonia's sister in law, and she is like "Guess what?, Sonia and Brandon found a baby on Holt's photolisting and are going to pursue adopting her" And I immediately know that she is talking about that little girl that Jason and I had noticed! The next night Polly invited us to go to Lifeline Adoption agency's annual banquet because others had cancelled and couldn't go and at the last minute Sonia and Brandon came too. So Sonia and I exchanged numbers and have been in touch this last couple of weeks as they got ready to go to committee. Their committee meeting was today and there were 4 families that went to try and adopt this little girl. I have been praying all day today but I honestly felt it would be too good to be true if they were actually matched with her. It seemed like God was bringing our families together but at the same time it seemed like it was too perfect. Well, Sonia called around 2 this afternoon to tell me that they were selected! I probably did not do this story justice so let me recap real quick: We know no other people who have adopted from Korea. We meet this family randomly for 5 minutes who are not even in process to adopt, we pray for them never knowing if we would even see them again. Two months later they are matched with a baby 2 months younger than Hannah. I have prayed for a support system of other adopted children that Hannah can have in her life that she can relate to but I NEVER imagined God would provide a child that is from the same city, country (7,881 miles away) and has the same need of cleft/lip and palate who will end up living 20 minutes from us (and in Mccalla, Jason's homeland). I cannot think of anyone who will better be able to relate to her in so many aspects of life, from cultural background to the surgeries and therapies they will both have. It is also wonderful to now have someone who will be going through this at the same time and I imagine Sonia and I will be great friends. What an awesome God we serve. Talk about an answered prayer. Thanks for letting me share my praise to our Father! There is one less orphan today!

Please remember North and South Korea in your prayers as they are having conflicts. As of now our agency has not released any information to us regarding how this could affect our traveling to Korea. From what I understand this type of conflict is not that abnormal for Korea but we do pray that nothing escalates. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Here is a new picture of Hannah. Check out her faux hawk! I'm so in love with her...

New pics and not so good news...

2010-11-08T14:05:00.000-06:00

This adoption thing is really quite the rollercoaster of emotions. I had heard that but we are now living it. We did receive a new well baby check up and picture of Hannah last week which was so exciting (she's developing right on track and can stand up now!). But we also got some bad news about when we can get her. First let me explain what part of the process we have left (which is specific to our agency and country, each country has a different legal structure to adoption and some agencies vary in how their timelines work as well). There are basically 2 separate processes going on right now. Both must happen but they happen independently of each other. For the U.S. part we have submitted the legal forms called I600s and are waiting for them to send us when and where to go to be fingerprinted by Homeland Security. Once we are fingerprinted they process our file and will send us approval, this is called our I600 approval and once done they apply for Hannah to have a Visa to enter the U.S. We have been waitng for over a month and still do not have the fingerprint appointment, but I've heard that once you get your fingerprints it doesn't take too much longer for the approval. We have also been told not to call and ask because they get ticked and move you to the bottom of the stack. On the other side of the world in Korea is where the other process will happen. This is called Emmigration Permittance (EP in adoption lingo world). Babies are submitted for EP in batches and once they have EP approval they have a Visa Physical, Visa Interview (I don't know how you interview a baby but I laugh whenI think of it) and then can be granted the Visa to leave the country. That's when we would get our TC (travel call). The problem is that Korea has started to limit the number of children that can be adopted internationally and so each Korean adoption agency (there are like 5 and each Korean agency works with a few U.S. agencies) gets a certain quota that is divided among the U.S. agencies. They don't tell us what this number is. Once the agency has submitted their max number of families for the year all the other families waiting are informed that they will not get EP this year and will be in line for the beginning of next year when the EP quotas start over. I guess you can see where I'm going with this, yep we got the email last week that our agency is out for the year. Some of the families who were matched in July were submitted and they were the last group. The email informed us that we may be waiting up to 8 months from when our acceptance paperwork went to Korea (late september for us). I had actually already been warned of this a couple of weeks ago when I contacted our agency to make sure that Hannah wouldn't just randomly have her palate repair surgery without us knowing about it. We have been planning she will have this when she comes home. After a couple of confusing emails because our agency had to email Korea and there were some translation issues, we were told that we would probably be backlogged because they would be out of EPs and we should go ahead and expect that Hannah would have her surgery in Korea since she had to have it at 12 months (February). I was completely blindsided. I thought we would have her home by her first birthday easily because the normal timeline for families earliar in the year had been 4 months for waiting to travel. I was out seeing patients when I read the email and still had 3 to see and I'm sure my patients thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I was crying uncontrollably in the car and would dry it up just long enough to see a patient. As soon as I was back in the car the tears flowed again. There was no comforting me in earthly standards, but I did feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in the car with me, assuring me that God was in control. And even though God is in control and I know that His timing in this will be perfect, it doesn't change the fact that there is pain in the circumstances. It does however allow me to have hope that these circumstances are ordained by a loving and faithful Father who knows how this will turn out and who also desires for orphans to have homes. But the pain is still there as I long for our girl to come home! So considering the new timeline she may not be home until April or May. The thought of waiting that long is almost physically unbearable. We are praying that once the new quota is released we will be among some of the first to be submitted but there will likely be the July and August families before us in line. We are praying for a miracle. I believe that there will be a miracle regardless. Either He will bring her home sooner (before her 1st birthday) or He will get me (and Jason and my mother) through this wait. If you think of us during your prayer time please pray we can have her home by February so that she can have her surgery here in the U.S. when she is with her forever family. Also please remember all orphans during this month, which is National Adoption andOrphan Awareness Month. Maybe God is waiting on you to ask Him if adoption is in His plan for your family. There are 143 million orphans in the world who need families, love, and the opportunity to know Christ. God speaks to caring for orphans many times in the Bible and as His church we have been entrusted with the responsibility to care for them. Sunday was Orphan Sunday at our church and I hope to share in an upcoming post what an awesome and powerful service this was as we heard about how much we are loved by our adoptive Heavenly Father. David Nasser, our pastor at Christ City Church in Ensley, will be preaching this entire month on Adoption (both vertical and horizontal) and there will also be visits by Mac Powell (from Third Day) and his wife and the Weimer family (google We Have Room documentary promo to see a snipit of their amazing story). Come and check it out as there will also be booths set up with various opportunities for how to care for orphans in our community and the world.

Here's the new pic of Hannah!:

Here is a picture of Jason's birthday present:

Yep, a Mossy Oak car seat. I thought he was going to be mad that that's what I got him for his birthday but he was actually excited. He thinks he's going to get to take her hunting and make her into a little Korean redneck, which is not going to happen. At least not the hunting part, she will probably be a redneck. Won't she be cute with a little country accent?

Love,
Liz

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Here she is....

2010-10-12T09:49:00.000-05:00

We would like to introduce y'all to Han-byeol Bae, soon to be Hannah Bae Barnette! We have been receiving and sending our legal paperwork the last couple of weeks and so now we are allowed to post her picture. We first saw this picture on August 10th when it was emailed to multiple families who were in the Waiting Child program through Holt International. Various adoption agencies have their own ways of matching parents and children and our agency has a general photolisting of babies who haven't been matched yet from various countries. Since our home study had not been completed that was the only way we could be matched with a child. Once our home study was done they could match us directly with a child. August 10th was the first home study visit from our social worker so we were running around like crazy to try and look like acceptable parents. The new waiting children that are added to the photolisting each month are emailed out and when we saw Hannah's picture we knew we had to request her file. We had been drawn to cleft lip and palate babies as one of the medical conditions we would be open to because both of our jobs have exposed us to these children. But we had also heard that not many of the children adopted from Korea have clefts like so many of the babies from China. Hannah seemed like just the girl we had been praying for! We requested her file, as did many other families, and had it reviewed by the doctor at the UAB International Adoption clinic (they are awesome by the way). We told Holt we wanted to proceed with her adoption and so did another family. That meant that we would have to go to the selection committee, where they put together a presentation about each family and then discuss who would be the best "fit". We had to answer a ton of written questions about how we would meet her needs and how we would handle being a transracial family. Then there was a phone interview that we thought went terrible. Not only is it hard to read someone over the phone, it is even harder (in my opinion) when they have a Northern accent! (our agency is in Oregon) Jason kept making jokes like "we can fly up there tomorrow and bring y'all lunch if it will help our case". I felt like I was married to Chandler Bing. We kept telling ourselves and everyone else at first that we didn't want to get our hopes up or get too excited. But a couple of days into it I decided I didn't think it was fair to this child for us to NOT be excited. She deserved people to be excited for her and so I told God that I was excited and hopeful. And if it didn't work out He could heal the wounds and the hurt when it came crashing down. Anytime we try and surrender something to God I have learned that Satan is sure to attack. And I felt his attacks that week in the form of irrational worry. I had felt a spot in my breast that I became convinced was a lump. So I had a check up and ultrasound that week with the breast surgeon that ended up being scheduled on the same day as the committee meeting. All of this happening about 2 weeks before the one year mark of being diagnosed. And of course in the midst of the stress what would I do but dye my hair fiery red. Not my best look to say the least. The phone interview was on the 25th and the meeting was on the 26th. The night of the 25th are small group got together to pray over us and Hannah. As much as we wanted her we knew God was in control and she would be placed in the family that He had chosen. We left our prayer time feeling at peace and like a weight had been lifted off us. We were told we should expect a phone call around 1 that day to tell us if we were selected or not. Of course that was the same time as my doctor's appointment. One of the greatest ways to learn about the power of prayer is to pray for something very specific and see God answer it. I asked God to please not let them call right when I'm lying there getting ultrasounded or talking to the doctor (not the end of the world had it happened but not the best case scenario as I would have been topless and not in reach of the phone and/or would have to find out life changing news in the middle of the appt). I got good news from Dr. Maddux (the "lump" I was feeling was likely part of my implant and didn't show up on the ultrasound like a real "lump" would) and took literally ONE step out of her office when my phone rang with the news! Now what I failed to pray for was cell phone service because I immediately dropped the call. I found a stairwell and got service and heard the good news that we were selected. I decided to wait until I had good service to tell Jason so I ran to the car wanting to tell everyone I saw along the way. Since that day we have been waiting on the paperwork. And actually received her official legal documents for Korea on the night before the year anniversary of my surgery and signed and sent it to U.S. immigration the next day. We are now waiting on that paperwork to be approved by the U.S. for her to be able to get a Visa to enter the country, which can take anywhere from 1 to 3 months. Separately but equally important is the Korean side of the process where she has to be approved to leave the country. For this to happen she has to be submitted for EP (emigration permittance) which has not happened yet and also takes a couple of months to get approved once submitted. In the meantime we are preparing the nursery, sending her a care package, reading books on parenting adopted children, and most importantly trying to learn from our Heavenly Father as He is the ultimate and original adoptive parent. "For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out 'Abba, Father'!" Romans 8:15
Love,
Liz

2010-09-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

On this day, one year ago, one phone call sent our lives in a direction that we did not have in our plans. And now I look back at so many things that I truly believe were God-ordained that occurred before, during, and after that life-altering phone call. There are so many things that happen in our lives, little things, that we label as coincidence but when we do that we are missing an opportunity to thank God and give Him glory. I do it too, and I'm struggling as I type this and worry about sounding silly or I think "Does God REALLY care about these little details in our lives or am I trying to make this sound spiritual?" But throughout the Bible we can see examples of God being in the details. I recently heard David Platt (pastor at Brook Hills) teaching about the Old Testament and he talked about how there are those chapters that are just peoples' names and how we usually skip over them. And how we wonder why they are even there. Platt said the fact that they are in God's word shows that our God is a God who knows and cares about our names... those people don't really mean a lot to us but God knows their names. So why so often do I not have enough faith that God can be in my details? But there are also times that I think, how can God NOT be all up in it. I believe that God orchestrates the details in our lives to fulfill His purposes. One day you look around and think "how did we get here?" and then you think back and remember those "coincidences" and go "ohhhhhh..that's how, seems like it was designed this way.." So I want to share them, to first of all give God praise and second to tell how we came to the decision to adopt. And if you have some of those "coincidences" you want to share please leave them in the comments!

Jason and I had been married almost 6 years when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And for some reason we had not yet felt ready to have children. We know now that if I had been pregnant with those cells in my body, they would have certainly multiplied much more rapidly or likely even turned into an invasive cancer, because they were strongly hormone sensitive. Last year we had decided we were ready and at my yearly doctor's appointment last October I was going to tell my doctor that we were going to start trying. However, we were intercepted only one month earlier by the discovery of cancer. After my major surgery in November we discussed with my doctors when they thought we could start trying to have children. My gynecologist said that they usually recommend waiting 3-5 years after a diagnosis of cancer. The rationale behind this is that if there would be a recurrence it is more likely to happen in the first 3-5 years and the pregnancy would exacerbate the growth of cells. This news initially was very difficult to hear. It made me so sad to tell Jason because we were really getting excited to start a family. It seemed like I was finally out of the woods, done with surgery, and then the stupid cancer was going to keep affecting our lives. And I feel so ungrateful to say that because I didn't even have to endure chemotherapy, or radiation, or hormone suppressing drugs. I mean I feel like I got off easy when compared to so many other brave cancer survivors. Later that day I remember praying to God that I knew it would be okay and that it was in His hands, even though I was upset and didn't understand. He had already demonstrated His faithfulness to us and I trusted He would again. Not long after, my wheels started turning about adoption. I had always hoped I would be able to adopt internationally, and even asked Jason when we were dating if he would be open to it one day. So I decided to tell Jason what I was thinking. I began to bring it up more and more and God kept placing it in my heart that now was the time. It seemed more like a "why not?" type of thing than a "why should we?". I began reading blogs of others who had adopted and really started to feel excited about the possibility. Then in December my gynecologist called me (totally out of the blue) and said she had researched my type of cancer and that technically since it was noninvasive we could possibly start trying to get pregnant in around a year from my diagnosis (mainly to get through all the reconstructive surgeries). The weird thing was that instead of being happy I felt disappointed that we wouldn't be adopting. And that feeling didn't go away, which I took to mean that maybe there was more to it than we just wanted a kid as soon as possible but that God had placed this desire in my heart and He wanted us to act on it. Now Jason wasn't opposed but he wasn't 100% on board yet either. I began to pray that if this was the path we would venture down that God would align Jason's heart with mine. I told him that I was ready and that I knew he wasn't but that I would be praying and I wouldn't bring it up anymore. In my mind I was thinking it would take him at least 6 months to get on board. Well, about a month later he tells me he thinks we need to move forward with trying to adopt (I will let him tell one day about how God showed him this, its a sweet story). My first reaction was "Are you sure?", I mean it happened so fast that I was thrown for a loop and not sure if I was really ready. But isn't that how God works so many times, by catching us off guard, funny thing is why are we caught off guard when its something we were asking Him for to begin with? And so that is where our journey to a child began, standing in the same kitchen that six months prior we were standing in when our world was rocked with the phone call that I had cancer. And now looking back I couldn't imagine our family being started any other way. A week or two after our decision that day, unbeknown to us, our daughter was born. Thank you Father for not telling us Your plans. I'm trying to imagine that conversation with God: "Okay Liz, I'm going to give you a beautiful child from Korea and I'm going to teach you about who I am, and bring you closer to Me but to do that I'm going to let you get breast cancer and have to wonder if it's spread for a couple weeks before having double mastectomy surgery." I would have been like, "thanks God but can we just skip all that and figure out some other way that doesn't involve cancer?" And I would've missed out on one of the craziest, most joyful, hardest, emotional, and awesome years ever; not to mention the blessing of a baby from the other side of the world.

Do I worry that it will come back? Yeah, sometimes I do. As we got in to the first week of September I really started feeling anxious about it and thinking of all the "what ifs?". And on the Sunday of that week I heard an awesome message about renewal and the need to trust God in certain areas again. It reminded me that I have to daily trust God with my health and that I have to renew that trust in Him often. That message was such perfect timing as it allowed me to go into this anniversary week having left those fears on the alter and able to move forward. Thank you God for Your timing, for health, for Your sovereignty, and for our little one across the ocean!

the journey continues...

2010-09-01T16:52:00.000-05:00

Almost one year ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and we started this blog as an outlet for our thoughts and emotions and to share how God was working in our lives. I have not written in quite awhile and in the last 6 months have had two more small surgeries and my tattoos were done on Monday of this week. The tattooing is usually the last part of the reconstruction process and so from here on out I will have checkups to make sure that everything continues to heal and that I stay cancer free. Woo hoo, Praise God! Our Heavenly Father has continued to show us His perfect timing and sovereignty and He has given us a new opportunity to all the more trust in Him. And so now Jason and I are very excited to change the focus of our blog to our newest adventure that we are trusting in God to see us through and that we pray will bring Him glory. So here's the big news: We are very excited to announce that we began the adoption process early this year and on Thursday we were matched with a beautiful 6 month old girl from South Korea. We are not yet able to post all the details or her picture but will be able to soon, after we sign the official acceptance paperwork in 1-2 weeks. We will be doing lots of waiting as there are little steps along the way of paperwork for the US and Korean governments. We will update on here which step we are at in the process. It will probably take around 4-6 more months until we can go to Korea and get our daughter (that sounds crazy). I'm excited to have something interesting to blog about and will be writing about all the details of how we came to this decision, why Korea, how we found our baby, the adoption process, and what God has taught and will teach us through this process. Thanks for sharing in the journey with us! Love, Jason and Liz

Happy Anniversary Baby I Got You on My Mi-ind!

2010-02-28T17:53:00.000-06:00

Today is our 6 Year Wedding Anniversary!

In the last 6 years we have...

bought a house and sold it
built a house that we had to abandon after it was 80% finished because the builder went bankrupt
bought another house

lived in a hotel for 3 months

lived with Jason's parents

traveled to Turkey, Costa Rica, Hawaii, Rhode Island, Chicago, New Orleans, Mexico, and Peru (Jason has gone to lots of other fun places but I'm not bitter)

got a Master's degree

finished a triathalon (definitely Jason not me)

tubed down the Cahaba a few times

watched lots of friends have babies

tried really hard not to have babies then when we decided we wanted to were told we should wait

served together on mission trips

lost Jason's sweet mom to cancer

started eating and loving sushi

studied the Bible together

had breast cancer and mastectomy/reconstruction surgeries

destroyed two iphones

had many arguments

bought numerous exercise videos and equipment off infomercials

shot a few deer

perfected the Big Green Egg steak (our anniversary dinner)

followed the Dave Ramsey program and paid off some debt

become more intimate with Christ

had a lot of fun!

When Jason and I met (Jason was the old guy on my college spring break) we were both headed down paths that were definitely not leading us closer to God. It is really cool to look back at all God has taken us through and how He has changed us and our paths to lead towards Him. Throughout our marriage we have learned to seek Him and have grown closer to each other in the process. We have learned a lot, especially in the last few months, that have allowed us to enjoy each other more. We have learned that God's timing is far better than ours (even though I forget that one almost every day). Jason has finally given up on me being a clean and organized person and I have accepted his beyond healthy obsession with hunting. We still get on each others nerves but have a much better perspective on what really matters, something that I hope we don't forget as we move further from all we went through in the last few months. We both believe that marriage is not only a commitment to each other but more importantly a commitment to Christ and should bring glory to Him.

By the way, it was fun to think of all the things we did over the last few years.. I highly recommend it!

I have had a couple of follow up doctor appointments since my last surgery and everything has healed really well. At my appointment last week, Dr. Cohn explained that at this point any other surgeries will be mostly cosmetic and that he is a perfectionist, which is a good thing in a plastic surgeon. So I will probably have two more surgeries sometime this year that will not be too major. My oncologist reviewed my pathology slides himself and feels confident the cancer was not invasive and was contained in the ducts (I don't think I have posted that info before). He was really positive about the decision to have bilateral mastectomy so that I now don't have to take Tamoxifen, a drug that can cause some unpleasant side effects. I'm feeling good and have been able to return to full force exercising this last month. Thank you guys for all your prayers and encouragement!

Deep Thoughts

2010-01-15T08:49:00.000-06:00

This picture is from our trip to Peru last March, driving along the pan-american hwy. You can see the pacific ocean and that there are no guardrails...just the road and then the cliff. Halfway through the drive our translator/driver looked at me and Lacy and said "We have no brakes". He had been using the emergency brake to slow down around the curves. Some of our friends from church just got back from their trip. On Sunday one of the people from the town who had been attending the small group Bible study got baptized in the creek there. It was just him and a preacher that came from a town 6 hours away to baptize him. It is so cool to see God working there and this small group of new believers who are so eager to read the Bible and learn about the concept of grace. Grace is so hard for them to understand as they are deeply engrained in works and being a good person to get to heaven.

Before I genuinely gave my life to Christ almost 6 years ago I thought that being saved meant saying a prayer that you believed that Jesus existed and resurrected so that you could go to heaven. (That may be a little oversimplified but basically covers it.) I never read my Bible or talked to God except to ask for things and I constantly wondered why I didn't "feel" secure in my faith and why I didn't look like others who were truly living the life of a Christ follower. I have heard a few people in the last few months talk about how many churchgoers who claim to be "saved" are probably just like I was. And as I have prayed for God to make my heart and concerns more like His I have become more and more burdened for those that do not really know Christ. And not even really because they won't go to heaven (I mean ultimately of course I want people to go to heaven) but because they are missing out on peace and joy in this life. After the past few months that I have had, which pales in comparison to what so many live through on a daily basis or what the Haitians are experiencing right now, I can't imagine not having a relationship with a Savior that I can depend on and fall apart on but still have peace and hope through. And if you don't know that Savior this concept sounds nuts, I get that because it used to sound nuts to me. I'm more and more convicted that if I really believe what the Bible tells us about having the Holy Spirit within us, then my life should be different than those who do not. I should be more giving, more caring, more forgiving, more content, more joyful, less sinful. No offense athiests but our lives should be more fulfulling... NOT perfect, NOT easier, probably harder by worldly standards, but fuller (I don't know if that is correct grammar?). And if its not then maybe we just said a prayer to get to heaven and didn't really ask Christ to take over our life and truly know Him or maybe we've just veered off the path. I don't think this means being obnoxiously happy or fake or over the top and in your face. But we all know people who just have something that makes you want to be around them and are so easy and comfortable in their faith. I know people say this all the time but really why would anyone want to be a "Christian" when it seems like a bunch of people who are supposed to "love Jesus" but don't seem real happy and are playing "church". So I just went back to read what I wrote and I really went on a tangent. I've just heard the topic of true salvation brought up a lot lately and it has been on my heart and mind. Its not easy for me to post this because I am unsure of how it will come across but I'm going to because I feel led to and if I don't I know I'll think about it and feel uneasy. So that's my sermon, thank goodness I'm not called to preach... wait I'm Baptist it wouldn't matter anyway : )...ok I need to end this because now I'm making corny denomination preacher jokes. I swear I'm not on pain medication!

I got the drain out on Wednesday afternoon! Dr. Cohn said everything looked like it was healing well. The area of inflammation is clearing up. It was all scaly and dry and I was so jealous when he picked all the skin off, I totally would have already done that if I had known I could. This recovery has been so much easier than the last and I will be back at work on Monday.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? 3 Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. Romans 6:1-4

A Big Week

2010-01-08T18:19:00.000-06:00

So Bama wins the National Championship and I got my iron bra off, what a good week. I have not been in too much pain. I did have to have a drain placed on the right side because of the fluid that was accumulating from the inflammation. We weren't really expecting to have that but I can tell it was needed. The drain gets to come out when the ouput decreases to a certain amount. The skin biopsy came back and confirmed that it was just inflammation from a certain material that was used to reinforce my skin. I think what they explained was that this material is supposed to absorb into the body but in me it had only broken down and not absorbed all the way. That area on my skin already looks a lot better. I have to confess that on Monday night I let myself fall into my old habit of freaking out and being irrational about what could be causing the weird changes to my skin (I consider myself a recovered hypochondriac). I heard my doctor say the word "sarcoma" and she wasn't even saying that is what she thought it was but I took it and ran with it. One of the greatest lessons I felt like I had come away with after being diagnosed with breast cancer and having that major surgery and waiting on results was to trust in Christ and to not live in fear of "what ifs?'. Looking back at that time of uncertainty, being able to depend completely on Him (regardless of what the results were) was an awesome experience. And then when I least expected it I forgot all that I had learned. Isn't that when sin always seems to creep in? When we let our guards down and think we've got things handled on our own. Mid medhelp article #22 about sarcomas, the Holy Spirit finally got my attention and I realized what I was doing: living in the flesh and not keeping my eyes on Him. And honestly I struggled with fear and worry up until surgery all the while reminding myself of what He says about worry and praying for peace and that I could keep it together. Thank goodness we have a Savior who is made strong in our weaknesses who is there waiting for us even when we doubt, or freak out, or screw things up. I definitely know that I can't just give Him my fear once and then think I can't slip back into that sin, that is why we are told to take up our cross daily and to die to ourselves and sin daily. Christ died for our sins once and for all but we live in an imperfect sinful world that requires constant guidance and direction from the Holy Spirit to keep our eyes focused on Him and on the narrow path.

Now this next paragraph is not to be read by males. But I did want to share with any females who are wondering how I am doing physically and especially for anyone who reads this that my be going through the same experience one day. Having the silicone implants in is wonderful! They are soft and they feel and look so natural. I had gotten so used to the expanders which looked and felt like 2 tupperware bowls on my chest that it became not so strange. So now it feels strange to feel normal : ) does that even make sense? Anyways, Dr. Cohn did a wonderful job...the twins have arrived and are doing well!
Roll Tide!

2010-01-06T20:04:00.000-06:00

We played a long waiting game last night, but in the end it was totally worth it. we got to the hospital at 11am, went to pre-op at 11:45, then waited until 4:30 for them to start the surgery. The surgery took just under 3 hours. Dr. Cohn took some extra time to clean out some inflammation (that was what was causing the skin irritation) and do the reconstruction. He had to place a drain on the right side again that will probably be in for a week. We got home around 9:00 last night. Liz is doing great. She isn't in near as much pain as she was during the first surgery a few months ago. I'll let her explain what a big difference it is not to have the expanders in anymore. She's a trooper. Hopefully she'll have enough movement to cheer on the Tide tomorrow night. God has been so good to us and we are extremely blessed at what he is doing in our lives. How can trials and tribulations be pure joy(James 1)? It brings us so much closer to Him and we believe it. What if we were arrested for proclaiming our faith? What if our family would have nothing to do with us if they found out we accepted Christ in our hearts? What if we were beaten and killed for Him? It happens everyday. Talk about going throught trials and tribulations. When you think about it, we've got it pretty easy. Sorry for the tangent I just broke out. Thanks to everyone for everything you have done for us the past few months. I don't know how we can ever repay you. God Bless!

Surgery #2 The Big Exchange

2010-01-04T20:39:00.001-06:00

Those are our pitiful pups daisy and mullet ->

Hi friends. It has been a long time since I have posted! I don't really know if this blog thing will tell people that I've posted like through email or if yall will find me by randomly checking. You have probably given up at this point! Tomorrow is my second surgery that will exchange the tissue expanders (aka my iron bra) for the permanent silicone implants.

I plan on "blogging" while I am home recovering for the next two weeks. I am excited to share about what the last couple of months have been like and how God is using my experience and continuing to change me. It has been three months since my first surgery and I NEVER thought I would say that I got used to the expanders because I hated them so much at first BUT I actually am used to them (although I still can't sleep on my stomach). I really felt these things were the bane of my existence. Now don't get me wrong I'm not going to shed tears or miss them by any means but if anyone else ever reads this who has just had their surgery I would like to say: "it gets better". I am very excited about the exchange surgery because I've heard it is instantly such a huge improvement in feeling more natural. I do have one prayer request if anyone reads this prior to or the day of my surgery. About a week ago a bluish spot came up on the right side of my chest (where the expander is) with red around it and even a peeling area like a sunburn. It has slowly gotten a little bigger and is tender and somewhat swollen. It seems to be some sort of reaction/inflammation. But my doctors are really not sure what it is. They are going to do a skin biopsy and my plastic surgeon may find out what it is during the surgery when he gets the expander out. However, I of course, start googling it and find things that are kind of scary. And I know I even talked about not internet researching in an earlier blog. So I am stepping away from the computer. Anyways, please pray that they will find out what it is and that it will be minor and treatable. My surgery is at 1:00 tomorrow and we'll update when I get out. I should go home after surgery. Thanks for all your prayers!

Back to work...

2009-11-15T20:16:00.000-06:00

This past week I have begun to feel fairly normal, probably my new normal. Only minor discomfort and stiffness at night and first thing in the morning. Jason had to be in Fort Walton Beach, Florida on Friday morning so we drove down Thursday night. I did not think it would be warm enough to lay out but on Friday while Jason was working I sat by the pool and could see the beach. It was the most beautiful day. The sun was hot and there was a nice breeze. It was wonderful and peaceful. I read, prayed, and reflected and got some sun on my pale skin. While I was out there I thought about how I have a habit of always starting prayers with "thank you for this day". On Friday morning I said it and then thought, wow God I REALLY mean it today. We came back that afternoon, so it was a quick trip and a sweet end to the weeks I have been off since surgery. Tomorrow morning I will be back at work. I will start out with half days. Please pray for my physical endurance because I tire easily and am out of shape. More importantly please pray that the Holy Spirit supplies the words and strength as I talk to people throughout the day. I pray that my words and actions will point towards Christ and not only be about me.
I also have an appointment with a medical oncologist tomorrow afternoon. My other doctors are the breast surgeon and plastic surgeon. I am going to see this doctor for the first time to basically discuss and learn more about the exact cancer that I had and what I need to know regarding what increases the risk of recurrence in the future. I will update with any new info we learn.

Know therefore today, and lay it to your heart, that the Lord is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other. Deuteronomy 4:39

Through the pain...

2009-11-07T10:49:00.000-06:00

The pain I was experiencing has gotten so much better. It is now just a feeling of discomfort and awareness that my chest is not as it used to be. I am really looking forward to the future surgery and procedures that will make things feel more normal. The hardest thing right now is sleeping... I want to sleep on my stomach so bad. Jason tried to fashion some couch pillows on the bed that would support my head and my torso but leave a space for my chest. It worked for like 30 minutes and felt so good. But he was scared to let me sleep on it all night because he was afraid I would suffocate. He must be thinking of how you are not supposed to let newborns sleep on their stomachs to prevent SIDs, but I didn't argue, no need to cause unnecessary worry : )

I read recently that when you have a complaint about cancer and its effects you should then come up with 10 praises that have come from the situation as well. Its the 1:10 ratio, and since I have shared my complaint for the day (and numerous others throughout) I thought I would share 10 things, people, or lessons I have praised God for during this experience.

So here goes:

1. Experiencing the Body of Christ at work and being on the direct receiving end. So many people loved on us and helped us. People sacrificed time and money and it was not a natural feeling to let others do so much for me. But I am so thankful and have learned a lot about how my pridefullness could have gotten in the way of God working.

2. Cards... I am now ashamed to say but I have never been one of those thoughtful people who sent cards to others, never thinking they were that meaningful. But, oh my goodness, we got so many cards and each one meant so much. The first week we were busy and didn't check our mail until Thursday and it was packed full. I sat in the kitchen reading them and crying and was so humbled by the thoughtfulness of others.

3. My doctors and their staff... In a city of many, many surgeons I will never believe that it was "luck of the draw" that I had Dr. Maddux and Dr. Cohn. We prayed that we would be under the care of the right people. God is in the details and He knew that I needed surgeons who would take the time to talk to me and answer questions and be caring and personable.

4. Joni Eareckson Tada, a lady whose name came up in a couple of books I read and even in an email someone sent me. She is a quadriplegic (from a diving accident) who founded Joni and friends, an organization that helps disabled people all over the world. I finally read her testimony on a day when I felt like crap and had an attitude that matched. She told of how she wakes up every morning and asks God to help her smile, talk to people, and get through that day. She talked about the concept of taking up your cross daily, but the profound thing to me was that she said she doesn't consider her disability or her wheelchair to be her cross but that it is her attitude that she gives to God each morning. God really used her testimony to bring me out of my "rock bottom" and get over myself.

5. Pain meds, LaZboys, reality tv marathons, and online shopping. All very superficial but nice when used responsibly and in moderation : )

6. Friends who were examples to me in the recent months of being obedient to God's call. Lacy, who was asked to go on an international mission trip two days before they left and never hesitated. Jason who preached, when he had never done anything of the sort, at a church in Peru with little time to prepare. Brett and Lindsay who are leaving their accounting and speech pathology careers and selling their house to become international missionaries. I watched all of these and others respond to God's call over the last year and remember asking God if I would be able to respond like that if He asked me to do something for Him.

7. Jason--see blog from 10/19 : ) and the deeper bond in our marriage, as I was totally dependent on him and he held us both up over the last couple months.

8. The numerous women who battled cancer so gracefully and have been so eager to share their experiences with me. Many that I had never met before but whose words and examples made me feel like I could get through this.

9. The "storm". I have always been paralyzed by the fear of something like this happening to me, Jason, or my family. My experience with cancer has been easy compared with so many people I know, but it was definitely the biggest thing I have ever been through in my 28 years. When hearing pastors preach on this topic in the past I would basically tune out because I didn't want to hear that God would ever want me or someone I loved to endure a disease or tragic accident. (Ironically the guest preacher at our church began preaching on storms the Sunday before I was diagnosed and continued the series until the Sunday before my surgery. I listened this time.) And when I heard other people talk about how they learned so much, grew closer to Christ, and would never want to change the suffering they experienced I really thought they were crazy. How simple minded I was. I have never experienced the all sufficient grace and love of my Savior until now, when I was forced to rely only on him. God has taught me not to be afraid of the "storms". He was faithful and gave peace even when we didn't know what the outcome would be. I would never want to change or not experience having breast cancer because through this I have learned to have confidence in Christ to get me through. His grace is sufficient for what He gives us.

10. The magnifying glass that accompanies difficult times. It allows us to see our sin and see God in a bigger and clearer way.

Temporary Setback...

2009-10-31T10:18:00.000-06:00

I had my last expansion on Wednesday, meaning they put the last 50cc's in each expander for a total of 350cc's in each. I was so excited to be done with the filling process because that would mean being closer to the second reconstructive surgery and getting these expanders taken out. The week before I was feeling so good that I went back on Friday for 50 more in order to hurry the process along. So in total I had 150 cc's put in within one week, which was almost doubling the size. Wow, have I paid for it. The pain I have had since Wednesday has been the worst I have experienced. I have had terrible muscle spasms in my back, neck, sides, and arms. So it has been back to the recliner and button fronts for now when I was envisioning this next week being building up endurance for returning to work. Now I do not think I was being "punished" for rushing things but it has made me think about God's perfect timing versus our desire for the quickest means to an end. How often do I focus on future plans and rewards and therefore become oblivious to what God is doing or teaching me in the present. Please pray for relief and patience. I need to come to terms with the fact that these expanders are serving a very important purpose and that I will have them for a couple more months. The silver lining to this current pain is that my muscles can get used to their new positions and there will be no more expansions. It will only get better from here! I wonder if muscle spasms are considered toning exercises or at least burn calories? Maybe I will get all ripped up : ) Besides the muscle pain, everything else is healing well. The incision sites are not even pink anymore and the burning sensations have subsided. I am so thankful for all the prayers and encouragement, I pray that God will bless you all as you have been such a blessing to us.

But He said to Me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, so that Christ's power may reside in me. ...For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

One month

2009-10-26T10:40:00.000-06:00

Happy Halloween!! Scary huh? I promise I don't look that bad anymore!

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my surgery and the healing is well underway. I have come a long way since that picture! Thank you for all the healing prayers. I can wear regular (not button front) shirts and can even put them on by myself most of the time. We have been taking walks with our dogs and being out in the sun feels so good. It is so sweet and strange how these things seem like such accomplishments. Jason and I talked yesterday about how many blessings we have experienced. One day I will have to list all the praises that we have accumulated during the last month. At times I am struggling with feeling guilty and undeserving for not having to suffer more or go through more extensive treatments like so many people who have cancer. A form of survivor's guilt I guess and a great way for satan to try and steal joy and trust from our relationship with and dependence on Christ. Please pray I get past the guilt as that is the last thing that I want to come of this! God has been so faithful!

I was "expanded" again last week and have probably 2 more sessions, then wait a little while before the next surgery. Still sore and tight but getting better. I do have to apologize to anyone who has hugged me in the last week : ) I am now an awkward hugger. It is a weird side hug kinda thing and I probably have a strange look on my face. It is not only to protect myself from pain, but also the other person. The expanders are so hard I am afraid I will hurt the hug recipient or at least startle them. Now, I don't want to discourage any future hugs but to just forewarn of why and what might happen.

Love y'all!

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" Luke 11:11-13

Happy Birthday Jason!

2009-10-19T13:23:00.001-05:00

Since I can't drive yet (Jason won't let me until I pass a test drive with him when I am completely pain med and muscle relaxer free.. which should be soon) I haven't been to the store without Jason to get a cake or card for him. So his sister is helping me with the cake and we will cook out on the green egg tonight to celebrate. As for the card, I thought I would send him a message from the blog and use the excuse of his birthday to be cheesy and talk about how much I love him. Jason has been so wonderful through this whirl wind of a month. Not only has he been strong and encouraging he has also been incredibly nurturing and sensitive. I always feel safe and comfortable when Jason is near me, which is good since I was 100% reliant on him for daily needs for at least a week. He has truly been an example of how Paul teaches husbands to love their wives, as Christ loves the church. It has been awesome to watch Jason grow in Christ throughout the last six years since we got married. He is the spiritual leader of our family and he inspires and encourages me to grow in faith as I see him study the Bible and serve and love the Lord. Not only is he a good husband but he is a good man. I know he will be embarrassed that I wrote all this about him but I want to express how thankful I am to have him as my husband. God also prepared Jason to endure this journey with me and I praise Him for Jason and how he stepped up to the task.

2009-10-17T10:26:00.000-05:00

These are pictures of myself and Lacy's 7th grade girls group at church. They all came over on Wednesday night to visit, bringing fun gifts and their cute smiling faces! I was never (not from lack of opportunitiy but from lack of desire) a part of a bible study or small group in middle or high school and the fact that God lets me lead one now is a great testimony to His power to do things through Him and not on my own abilities. (Those of you who have known me for a long time will understand that last statement : ))

I also went to the doctor on Wednesday and got my last two drains out! Definitely a step closer to being normal. He also filled my expanders with more saline to start the process of stretching my skin as part of the reconstruction. The expanders are behind my chest muscle on each side and will be filled until the area is stretched enough for the surgery to place the permanent silicone implants. (This may be too much info but I never knew how any of this worked and it really is amazing.) It is crazy how they accomplish the insertion of the saline, modern medicine is really miraculous! Dr. Cohn, my plastic surgeon who is awesome and has wonderful bedside manner, told me that adding more saline and stretching would feel like being sore from a chest workout. At my next appointment I will call him a liar : ). It really hurt on Thursday and Friday BUT my whole person has started to feel better. Being drain free is awesome and I feel like I have gotten over that anesthesia/surgery weakness, so now I feel more like a normal person but with intense chest and underarm pain. That may sound like complaining but I thank God for it and would rather feel like this than vice versa.

I haven't updated the blog in a week and I think its because I have kind of felt in limbo in all areas of life. Its like I want to go do things and walk the neighborhood but when I do it hurts. I want to be all enthusiastic and put this experience to work for God but I don't know what He wants me to do with it yet. I want to get our pictures made for the thank you notes so I can start writing them but I can't put on the tshirt to wear for the pictures yet (I know that sounds dumb but I'm just being honest). I feel like I am being lazy but I know that I need to listen to my body and heal. So I have to confess that I have been starting to develop a bit of self-pity.

One of the reasons I think people who are sick and recovering grow closer to God is because they have so much time to listen and read His word when they don't have to schedule it into a busy day. I'm not saying this is right but I think it is true, especially for me. And over the last two days God has addressed my feelings of uncertainty and self-pity in every devotional and scripture that I have read, which is why I was able to recognize it.

One of the most powerful messages was from a televised sermon of Andy Stanley (preacher at NorthPoint church in Atlanta, airs on Gospel Music Channel at like 1 AM). He talked about uncertainty and how much uncertainty the disciples faced in the days before and after the resurrection. Jesus told them at the Lord's supper he would be betrayed, that things would get worse, then he was arrested and crucified, and in the grave for 3 days. Andy Stanley discussed how this was the darkest time during the disciples' walk and that they were probably doubting if Jesus was the Messiah and what was going to happen to them. Their times of uncertainty, the passages before and after the crucifixion, are some of the most studied passages in the Bible. And the period of uncertainty ended with the Resurrection, definitely worth the wait. That is why we can embrace uncertainty, because God is not uncertain of the outcome.

I am thankful that God pointed out my self-pity, now I am praying for the Holy Spirit to help me embrace this uncertain, in limbo time. I can be uncertain about what will happen without doubting God's plan and choose an attitude of counting this as joy even when I don't feel that great. I am certainly not comparing the severity of the disciples' uncertainty with my own experience, just trying to learn from it. I am learning and loving how God meets us where we are and shows us what we need to see.

I have to say, even if no one is still reading this it always makes me feel better to put this stuff out there. Love y'all!

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Isaiah 50:10

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure Photos

2009-10-10T14:43:00.000-05:00

I am so thankful for such wonderful friends and family who made me feel like a rock star for having cancer. I love yall!

Race for the Cure!

2009-10-10T08:39:00.000-05:00

Most of my closest friends in Birmingham and my husband are lining up at Linn Park right now for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. My sweet friends from UAB Speech Clinic organized a team for Susan G. Komen in my honor. They actually had made the team and designed a tshirt before the end of the day I found out my diagnosis. The picture is the back of the awesome t-shirt they had made for Team Lizard. It is so freakin cute! I think the first time someone called me "Lizard" was in 2nd grade and no matter where I moved to, went to school at, or worked, people have called me that. And since I can't escape the nickname, at least this tshirt now makes me want to embrace it!

Last year on this day I was participating in my first race and ran 3 miles for the first time in my life, which spurred me to start running and participate in other races. I never could have imagined the very next year I would have breast cancer and have my name on a team. Jason is running for me and his mom, who passed away two years ago after a long battle with breast cancer that metastasized, which illustrates how rampant this disease is to have one man have his wife and mother both with the disease. So thank you to everyone who is participating so that hopefully if I have a daughter she will not live in fear because there will be a cure!

On a side note I do have a prayer request today if anyone reads this. I did not close up my drains correctly yesterday so the fluid didn't drain and it is causing some serious pain. It is fixed now and draining and I am praying I didn't do any serious harm and that it will clear up once the fluid comes off of my chest. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

Therefore since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus.... Hebrews 12:1

2009-10-08T15:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the first time I have left the house since surgery for my two doctors' appointments. That picture is of a fawn that was in our yard before we left. There have been two fawns and a doe out there almost every day. I think God sent them to entertain Jason while he is working from the house so he can take care of me. He gets so excited and can watch them for hours.

It was nice to put on real clothes and get outside. Both doctors (breast oncologist surgeon and plastic surgeon) said I was healing well and that the worst was over with the first week behind us. They were right, I have had less pain and am taking less pain meds over the last two days so I am thankful for those prayers for healing and recovery. During surgery two drains were placed on each side to drain fluid, blood, etc and we have to empty the drains daily and measure and write down the amount of fluid. When they get to less than 5 mL's per 24 hours they can be removed. So yesterday I had two drains removed, Yay! The drains are a pain and have to be pinned to something and they are hard to conceal so 2 down and 2 to go. I will say that one of the most painful moments so far was when, on the count of 3, they yanked (hard) to pull them out of my chest without any warning that it would hurt like the devil. It was worth the pain though. The breast surgeon confirmed that the lymph node pathology was negative and that I will not need any further treatment like chemo or hormone suppressing drugs (which puts you in menopause). I will follow up with the plastic surgeon frequently as the reconstruction is a process but I won't see the breast doctor again for three months. After our outing I was exhausted and took an awesome nap. It is so crazy how just taking a shower makes me feel weak and tired but I know it will get better with time. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement, your comments always lift my spirits.

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

So true : )

2009-10-06T11:20:00.000-05:00

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name;

proclaim His deeds among the peoples.

Sing to Him, sing praise to Him;

tell about all His wonderful works!

Honor His holy name;

let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.

Search for the Lord and for His strength;

seek His face always.

Remember the wonderful works He has done,

His wonders, and the judgments He has pronounced..."

Psalm 105: 1-5

We know that God is always deserving of praise no matter the season or storm. Today we want to proclaim His healing power and thank Him for the good results from the lymph node pathology...all negative for cancer! God would still be good even if the results were not, however now we can say He defeated the cancer and continue to focus on Him and what else He will teach us during the recovery. As scary as the last few days have been waiting, it has been such a relief to totally depend on God and have no control on the outcome. I hope that the total dependence on Him will continue for me as it should in the life of a follower of Christ.

There is a book that a young breast cancer survivor and awesome, godly woman told me about called Suffering and the Sovereignty of God that has a chapter titled "Don't Waste Your Cancer". You can read some of the excerpts from the chapter on John Piper's Desiring God website. Two of the points that helped me over the last few days were: 1. Don't find comfort in the odds instead of Christ and 2. Don't spend your time reading about cancer instead of reading about God. I have been so tempted in the last few days to google the statistics regarding my particular kind of cancer cell (which I did plenty of in the first few days of finding out) so that I would feel better about my odds. Each time I wanted to (before I had even read the info from John Piper)God would convict me to instead read my Bible, which is far more comforting and insightful than medhelp.com. And as I thought more about this I realized that the "odds" would say I shouldn't have this cancer anyway. I mean I am young, healthy, with no family history of cancer, and the cyst that alerted us to the cancer is usually found in older women and is less than 2% of all breast cancers found. People can believe that me having breast cancer is some freak tragedy of my biology but I believe it is part of God's perfect plan (And I hope I would say that no matter how the results turned out). So I guess that is one of the first lessons I have learned: God is way better than "odds", cause with Him and His promises its always 100% truth. I am actually struggling this very moment with proclaiming the good news for fear that they will call back and say there was a mistake. It is crazy how God can provide and meet every little and big need but I can still doubt His goodness and sovereignty. That is a concept I will be praying about, that I will trust in Him that the cancer is all gone and not worry it will come back at any moment.

Ok, I guess I was kind of wordy today but I want to celebrate my good news and I can't get out of this recliner. I still can't believe that people are reading this : ). I pray daily that it turns eyes toward God and not me.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. We go for first MD checkup tomorrow and maybe get 2 of the drains taken out. We love y'all!

2009-10-05T20:30:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite pictures of Liz. She wasn't happy about it, but she got after it anyway. Just one reason why I love her so!

Liz is doing good as long as we can keep her still. Hopefully next week we will start to see the pain begin to decrease. She did not hear word back from the final test today, so just a little anxious about hearing. Surely tomorrow and we can move forward. Thank you all so much for everything.

Long ago God spoke to the fathers by the prophets at different times and different ways. In these last days , He has spoken to us by His Son, whom He has appointed heir of all things and through whom He made the universe. He is the radiance of His glory, the exact expression of His nature, and He sustains all things by His powerful word. Hebrews 1:1-3.
Wow! Hebrews is awesome. No other book describes how awesome and majestic Jesus Christ is.

Post op day # 5

2009-10-04T20:26:00.000-05:00

Well, we are five days out from surgery and yesterday and today I have had some increase in swelling and pain. Some of this is my fault because I start to feel better from the pain meds and use my arms more than I should. So today I tried to be even stiller than usual. I have slept well since we have been home and we are so thankful for all the good food people are bringing. Jason hasn't eaten this well in a long time. I let him sit in the recliner during the football games yesterday and he is counting the days until he can take it over permanently. Anna Lee left today and we will miss her! She was such a huge blessing and help to us, more than she will ever know. One of the things I think about a lot is how people are being so kind and showing us love that I don't even deserve, just as Christ sacrifced for us sinners who could never be deserving of His grace. It makes the Body of Christ all the more evident when you are on the direct end of recieving Its works and love. Tomorrow we should hear the final results on the pathology from my lymph nodes and we will post as soon as we hear. We love y'all!
For as the body is one and has many parts, and all the parts of that body, though many, are one body-so also is Christ. 1 Cor. 12:12

2009-10-02T11:33:00.000-05:00

Do not worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7

I memorized this verse a few years ago to help when dealing with anxiety and over the last week those words rang truer than ever. The peace and comfort I felt the morning before surgery could only have been from God. There are so many blessings, people, and lessons I am thankful for and I can't wait to post a list of all those things soon. We will continue to ask God for complete healing, especially as we wait for final lymph node pathology. We praise God for the good news this morning about the breast tissue that they took. The right side had no cancerous cells and the left side had approximately 3.5 cm (less than the MRI showed) of ductal carcinoma in situ cells of low to intermediate grade but no high grade cells and no invasive cancer. The lymph nodes are still being tested and should be done on Monday. God has met every need thus far and so I am resting on Him to continue taking care of the details and trying to obey Phil 4:6-7 because my human nature wants to keep worrying until I hear the final results.

This whole experience still feels very surreal. We came home yesterday and my personal physician Anna Lee is staying with us for the first few days. I am mostly confined to our new comfy recliner because moving around creates lots of soreness and pain but when I am still I feel ok. We have had lots of food to eat. Jason has been so sweet except for the couple of pictures he posted when I was heavily medicated. He reads me the comments people post and I look forward to that each day. Thank ya'll for your prayers and encouragement and for letting us share what God is doing.

Love,

Liz

2009-10-01T13:19:00.000-05:00

For since He Himself was tested and has suffered, He is able to help those who are tested.

Hebrews 2:18

This is by far not over, but we know where our strength will come from in the following months. Liz has been cleared to go home so we will be leaving soon. Thanks so much to everyone who has made this stay as easy as possible. Liz hopes to update her blog sometime tonight.

2009-09-30T14:18:00.000-05:00

You know what the great thing about this blog is? I can put up any picture of Liz I want. I do realize there will be consequences, but what the heck. This wonderful photo was taken the night before her surgery. A bunch of church friends came over and that's one of the gifts they gave her........ a Snuggie! I never thought I would actually see one in real life, but I have. And it looks just like I thought it would.

Liz is stirring around some today. Kind of in and out but alert for the most part. She's sippin' on diet cokes and reading gossip magazines. Not a bad day. They are trying to ween her pain pump from her, but she's still on some pretty good stuff. All the IVs are out so she doesn't have to drag a pole around anymore. The doctors have come in today and are very happy with her progress. Looks like tomorrow she will get to go home. All in all, Hanceville Liz(that's what I call her when she tries to get tough) is doing good. The next few days will more than likely be the most painful , but she's a tough rascal.....with a snuggie.

2009-09-29T20:26:00.000-05:00

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent."Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."Psalms 91

Liz is doing great. We came into this morning not knowing how this day would turn out. We felt confident there would not be any cancer in the lymphnodes just based on pre-op tests, but you never know. You would think that we would have been nervous and worried, but there was an overwelming peace that surrounded us all morning. We even made the comments to each other that it felt weird to not be nervous. We just knew there were so many people praying over Liz. We can not thank you enough. We can not show the amount of gratitude we have for each and everyone of you. There were friends here at the hospital all day. I can't tell you how many emails and texts msgs I must have gotten. Unreal!

All tests from pathology show NO cancer in the lymphnodes. They will double check these tests the next couple of days to give us the absolute final word, but so far all looks really good. Thank you for the great comments. I know these will be extremely uplifting for her in the coming days. More updates to follow. Let the Healing begin!

Our Story...

2009-09-28T16:36:00.000-05:00

About 9 months ago at my yearly checkup, my doctor found a 1 cm lump in my left breast. They sent me for an ultrasound that day and told me it appeared to be a fibroadenoma (a benign breast lump) that they would watch to see if it grew. I followed up with an ultrasound 3 months later and the lump had not changed. Six months later on September 11th I had another ultrasound and was told the lump had grown 5 mm and that they wanted me to see a breast surgeon the following Monday. I have always worried about health issues but I honestly was not that worried about this. We met with Dr. Maddux on Monday and she recommended a biopsy and Jason and I decided to have the lump taken out the next day under local anesthesia. Dr. Maddux told us after surgery that it did appear to be a fibroadenoma but we would hear the final results from the pathology report on Friday. So I stayed home from work to recover and my sweet husband stayed home with me that week. On Thursday morning Jason answered our house phone and it was Dr. Maddux, he mouthed to me it was her while handing me the phone and I immediately knew there was bad news. She sounded as shocked as we were and explained to me what they found, an intracystic papillary carcinoma (which was a 1 cm cyst that was encapsulating 8mm cancerous growth) and ductal carcinoma in situ cells around the margins. She told me the cells were low grade and there was no evidence of invasive cancer (which she finally said was good news in the midst of this out of body experience I was having). She wanted me to come in the next day for CT scans, MRI, chest xray, and blood work. The rest of the day was spent telling my loved ones, which is the hardest thing I have ever done. Over that weekend there were so many prayers prayed for me, and on Monday those prayers were answered by our faithful Father. There was no evidence of cancer on scans of my abdomen, the chest xray was clear, and bloodwork for cancer markers came back good. The MRI of my breasts showed a 5 cm "enhancement" (radiology lingo) that is likely the ductal carcinoma in situ cells. My lymph nodes looked normal on the scans. So with this information the cancer is presumed to be stage zero. They will not know for sure until they actually send the cells and lymph nodes collected at surgery to pathology. If no lymph nodes are involved I will likely not need chemo. We decided that I would have a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. God made that decision easy for us (as easy as one can imagine) and I have not questioned it once. We immediately went to meet our plastic surgeon and found out the possible dates for surgery. We were given the date of October 8th at first, which Jason and I had lots of anxiety about because it seemed like such a long time to walk around with cancer. I was constantly praying that day at work for God to give us peace about that date or if it was His will to move the date up. Jason called the doctor that afternoon to see if there was any hope for a sooner date and they told him they had just had it moved to September 29th. Since then we have been bathed in prayer and encouragement from friends, family, coworkers, and our church family. We know they have been praying for supernatural peace because the nervous butterflies have been taken away. We have seen the Body of Christ in motion as they pray, write cards and notes, bring necessities and gifts, and arrange to help take care of us while we recover. We thank God for these people many times throughout the day and know that will be a great joy for us during this time. Surgery is tomorrow morning at 9 AM, we feel confident in our surgeons and more so in our God. We continue to pray for every cancer cell to be taken during the surgery and that there will be no lymph node involvement or invasive cancer found. We pray for the surgeons and the staff we will encounter during our stay. We pray for God to be glorified through this process in ways that we cannot yet even imagine. We know that His plan is greater than ours even though it is sometimes harder. I ask for you to pray for my wonderful godly husband to have peace and comfort as well as my parents, family, and friends who will be waiting anxiously during my surgery. We will update this blog often to communicate prayer requests, praises, and other thoughts and lessons that God gives us during my recovery. The reconstruction will continue to happen in phases so we will keep people updated on that information. (And I will also use the site to post random thoughts while I am home recovering and bored.) Please feel free to comment with whatever you would like to say! We love you all!